Travelling

I've never really understood how travelling can make you feel so tired. Essentially you are sitting on your bum for hours doing nothing and yet when you make it to your final destination you feel like you have been running a marathon.

And on that note, having travelled very far to spend Christmas with my family, I am shattered and would rather use my time to have fun with them rather than writing anything for this.

Tiredness seems to lead to honesty I guess and honestly I just have no will to write anything else.

She

So this is my life now.

Well, that's what she tells me,

The girl with the big eyes

All smiling and friendly

-

And I try to remember

The days I was cool

And I wasn't just acting

Or playing her fool

-

But she laughs when I ask her

That one simple question

And she's bringing up facts

That I'd rather not mention

-

And I know at this stage

I should really know better

But she might be it all

If I'd only just let her

-

And as much as I'd like

To be more than a name,

As the days shuffle past

It's just more of the same.

-

She has words full of riddles

And eyes wide as dreams

But she's ever elusive

Despite my best schemes.

-

I think that the truth is

She just sees right through me,

And she's looking for better

Than the best that is in me

-

And though she's over my head

She is under my skin,

And I fear that this battle

Is one I can't win.

-

But oh, how she laughs,

like she's still learning how,

And oh, how I smile,

As I think of her now.

-

For she is a flame

That refuses to die,

She is my reason,

My reason why.

So Tired

For some reason today I am just wrecked. It has been a very busy weekend, of a very busy month, in a relatively busy year but for some reason today just has me beat.

The problem of course is that this makes me not want to do anything, including of course writing anything for this thing that nobody actually reads.

I hate feeling like this because it's not just tiredness. It's more than that. There is a Tahitian word "fiu" which I think could be applied to how I'm feeling. Fiu can mean being tired, being bored, being frustrated or being all those things all at once, which is essentially the way I feel right now. Tired, bored, frustrated and to top it all off a little bit crappy.

This has sucked away what little motivation I have to do any of the stuff I need to do, which frankly is a lot. So I'm forcing myself to start by writing this blog, making my brain work with the hope that if I can get this started and done I will have the motivation to carry on and get some of my other stuff done before I just crash out.

I have to say it's working a little bit. I'm still feeling pretty shattered but I think making the effort to start something has helped the sensation of being drained subside somewhat.

Sometimes unfortunately that is the case with life: We are tired and unmotivated but the only way to really get out of it is to force ourselves to do something, maybe even anything as long as it gets us moving, gets us physically or mentally active. That way although the tiredness won't completely disappear, at least you are over the hump and get get some forward momentum going.

So on that note I leave this now so I can ride this forward movement into my other tasks...

There's No Days Like Snow Days

There is something beautiful about the world blanketed in snow. Especially when it is an unusual event. It suddenly looks fresh and new again. There is a tranquility and joy in it. The excitement of children to play in the snow, throw snowballs, build snowmen and make snow angels soon spreads to adults as well and all are united in a special sense youthfulness. The white glistening trees, the bright nights and all the winter beauty that it brings is astounding.

I know that there are major downsides to the snow; the difficult driving/walking conditions, the cold and the fact that eventually it will mostly turn to greyish mush on the sides of the streets. Still, I don't understand why people gripe so much about it. Adjust, adapt and enjoy! Also if anything these difficulties seem to bring people together as they help one another and develop a sense of fellowship deriving directly from the selfless acts of service that people participate in, which at other times would scarcely cross people's minds. Thus in the cold and snow rare acts of kindness become welcomingly commonplace.

I love the snow and the vision of the world covered with fresh snow. When I see it I am always reminded of the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip that talks about the snow making everything familiar seem brand knew, like a blank canvas to draw upon and as Calvin states; it reminds me that it is indeed "A magical world."

Memories are Films about Ghosts

We are all distant memories and it is ghosts that we are in love with;

People long gone,

Replaced by distorted replicas of the familiar faces we once gazed upon.

Time is cruel; both too fast and too slow,

Letting us forget so much and hold on to more still.

I remember you but you are not that person

And I am probably not the person you remember either,

But I remember you.

On the Matter of Laughing

I've always liked to think I was funny. I even spent a period of time as a young lad considering myself a comedian and thinking that that would be what I would do with my life. As much as I never stuck with that comedian career path the essence of why I had that desire remains with me: Laughing is important to me. I like to laugh, whether it's watching something funny on my own or just enjoying life with the company I keep. I'd even go so far as to say I love to laugh.

Sometimes there is nothing I like more than to have a good laugh at something. At times I have found myself sitting for hours watching comedians on TV, I love watching comedy of all sorts and frankly I think I've a broad appreciation for most forms of comedy.

Of course not everything makes me laugh and some things that are meant to be funny irritate me but still I enjoy a variety of comedy styles.

I love old comedy and new comedy; from Road to Bali and Some Like it Hot to Anchorman and Role Models, from Morcombe and Wise, to Ross Noble, from Porridge and MASH to Arrested Development and Community. If I can sit down and forget about the stresses and pressures of everyday life and just laugh for a little while, how wonderful it can all seem.

More important than what I watch of course is who I spend my time with. Who wants to spend time with people who bring you down? I want to be able to spend time with people who make me happy, who hopefully I make happy, who together we can relax, be comfortable and just enjoy the happiness in life. That for me is essential with the people I consider friends; can I have a laugh with them? Not even are these funny people, just are these people I can talk openly with and find the joy and humour in what often seems like an oppressive world?


Life would be miserable if we didn't get to laugh more than we get depressed. I try and make sure I live my life that way; the laughter should always outweigh the tears. Life is good and being able to laugh at it only makes it better!

O, What a Rogue and Peasant Slave am I

I had heard that any dream worth having was worth fighting for. People are always telling me that if I really wanted something I'd make it happen but sometimes you just know it's a lost cause. It's hard to fight for something when you already feel like you've lost the battle and it is surprising how much you can get hurt on the sidelines. Maybe I am too weak, too cowardly for my own good.

"Am I a coward?... I am pigeon livered and lack gall".

This in and of itself could be reason enough for my failure and my failure to fight for what I want. When it comes to fight or flight? I guess I tend to choose flight and maybe that's reason enough, if I'm not willing to fight for it why would I deserve it?

Particularly in matters of love. If I'm not willing to fight for it, how deserving of it could I possibly be? People want that guy who's going to boldly rush the field bearing your flag, dodging all obstacles and attacks and who is willing to plant it where it matters and swear to hold his ground. My problem is when I think of putting myself in that sort of situation instead of being seen as the heroic guy making a curageous move for love, I'll be seen as the annoying stalker guy who should really know when someone isn't interested...

My Salad Days

Getting older is an unusual phenomenon. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm getting older just more tired! Things that were done easily in youth now become a chore. Staying up all night? Why would you? Sleeping on the floor of a friends house? Why on earth? Eating junk food till your sick? No thanks, and spending all your time in crazy noisy places with crazy noisy people? Pass!

No, that doesn't mean I don't want to have fun anymore and be silly and stupid at times, I'm just less willing to put up with the uncomfortableness that often came as a result of some of the dumb things you do when you're young.

And anyway, no matter how old you get there will always be people who look at you as still being young, simply because they are older still and then there are the young people that will suddenly be unable to put an age range on you other than older, late 20s to 40s is all the same when you're a kid; it's just old.

There are of course times when I still feel like a young guy (despite how young kids seems these days, and how wide the age range is growing with regard to whom I consider a kid) and there are time when I feel quite old.

I've accepted that I am out of the loop of what's young and cool and frankly I think part of ageing is when you can do that gladly. Who wants to be caught up in all that nonsense, with their stupid clothes and their awful music?

Everyone gets older, everyone's youth fades away, we all wonder about what we could have done differently, how we could have done more with our youth and in turn how youth is thus wasted on the young. The reality is however that at some stage we need to embrace ageing and enjoy the changes that come. Remember passed times fondly, try and keep a youthful attitude where possible while embracing adult sensibilities. The salad days may have passed but that doesn't mean the good days are all gone. As long as we're alive we can enjoy our lives for what they are. We live now not in the past and frankly who cares how old you are?

Halloween

The nice thing about being an adult at Halloween is the knowledge that if I really want some sweets I can just buy myself some. No longer am I reliant on the kindness of neighbours or am I subject to whatever sweets they decide to hand out. If I want a particular sorts of sweets I just get them, no rummaging through a bag of mostly garbage in the hope of a few choice pieces.

Also I no longer have to dress up in ridiculous costumes to get said sweets. I am not one of those adults who has held onto the desire to dress up. It was kind of fun as a kid, so much unnecessary hassle as an adult. Also being a guy means I can't just do what most girls do these days for Halloween and go as the slutty version of something. I thing some girls are even forgoing the pretense nowadays and are just going as straight sluts. No slutty nurses or cowgirls here, just plain old slutty girls.

But seriously costumes as an adult; it just seems like so much effort and for what? At least when I was a kid there was a purpose. Costumes = Sweets. So what is my goal in dressing up now? What is my reward? As I said I can just get myself sweets if I want them and in fact if I was to dress up and try and get sweets from my neighbours I don't think it would go down very well at all.
"Do it because it's fun"and"It's a laugh!" I hear you say. No, no it's not. It's stupid and I won't do it.

Doing Nothing

I am perpetually amazed at how much time i can spend doing nothing. The hours somehow slip by and I realise I haven't done anything productive. It would be kind of impressive if it wasn't so sad. Part of the problem is I look forward to doing nothing as part of my downtime. When I get really busy with work or whatever I can't wait for a break so that I can officially do nothing. The other thing of course that amazes me is that no matter how much nothing I do I always feel like I could have done more nothing, like I never quite get all my nothing done. These feelings and desires to just do nothing are of course coupled with a sense of guilt over my lack of productivity and a certain remorse that I haven't spent my time wiser. I could have written a book, learned a musical instrument, exercised or some other worthwhile endeavour and yet when it comes down to it, as much as I would love to accomplish some of these things and realise I should probably organise my life better, when I get a bit of free time my goal is always to do nothing. Just sit back relax and bask in the renewing power of nothingness.

Does an increase in confidence inherently result in a decrease in common sense?

I guess I still have the idea of confidence on the brain as I have been considering my confidence issues with those of today's youth. I'm not saying I was a perfect angel as a child or that I didn't know anyone who lived their lives with complete reckless abandon and a disregard for rules and regulations but I have noticed a severe increase in kids filled with apathy when it comes to socially acceptable behaviour.

Am I painting myself as an old fuddy-duddy now? I don't care.

When I was young (and even now) I considered myself a smart-ass. A fact I was and am proud of. Although I don't consider myself quite as hilarious as I did when I was twelve, when everything I said was pure gold comedy, I do still pride myself in having a sharp tongue and a biting wit. However as much as I know it now, I hold that even in my younger days there was a time and a place for sarcastic responses and I knew where to draw the line. Sarcasm and mockery was reserved for amongst my friends or to be said quietly in the back of a classroom to the chortles of my cohorts. It was not blurted out for all to hear, which would result in unwanted attention. This reserve, this joy of being secretly funny behind the backs of authority seems to have vanished amid the posturing and cockiness of a new generation.

I laud this generation's confidence, their sheer self belief in their own abilities and right to accomplish whatever they set their mind to. I can see major benefits for a generation that does not contain a lot of the fear, shame and lack of confidence that I portrayed as a youth.
Yet I have noticed a lot of downsides to this confidence. Their lack of shame in a given situation although beneficial at times in allowing them to achieve goals also seems to lead to a lack of concern or regret for when they actually do things wrong.

This is a generation that wins arguments by being loud rather than by showing reason and if you don't like it well what do they care; you're just stupid! Their confidence seems to have arrived with an undeserved sense of entitlement and a certain amount of delusion with regard to their own abilities, as can be seen in the plethora of reality shows where people expect fame without any talent to back it up.

Common sense seems to have taken serious losses for the sake of confidence and instead of knowing where to draw the line or when enough is enough, I find a large proportion of kids would rather dig in and draw more attention to themselves and even get themselves in serious trouble rather than let common sense and cooler heads prevail.
I'm all for confidence and self belief but does it really have to come at the price of common sense?

The Sliding Scale of Confidence

Confidence is a funny thing. There always seems to be this idea that people are either confident or not; but I find and maybe it is just personally, but there is no such thing as being either wholly confident or completely lacking confidence. There are aspects of my live where I am confident to the point of cockiness and then there are aspects of my life where i completely lack any confidence whatsoever.

I surely I'm not the only person like this. Growing up I always had this persona of being quiet to people who didn't really know me while my Friends and family would laugh at the idea of me being a quiet person. I have always found it strange the idea of being labeled one way or the other.

There are situations where I thrive and others where I wither and fade into the background. I have never been a party person and have never been very adept at initiating social interaction, this thus extends into my skill at relationships where my confidence is probably at its nadir. However let me join a conversation and I'm off and running, I even have the audacity to consider myself quite the wit. Also I have found myself to be extremely comfortable with public speaking; put me in front of a crowd with an idea to share, a lesson to teach or a story to tell and I am in my element. I love the the vibe and energy that comes from expounding an idea to a group of people and interacting with them, getting feedback, discussing things. This is all fantastic fun for me and is the type of situation where I might even be a touch cocky about my own speaking abilities; but leave me alone in a room with someone I barely know or try and get me to consider asking someone out and I'll shut down in a nervous panic of what to say or do and probably just sit there in uncomfortable silence. I cant' be the only person like this can I?

No one is completely confident about every aspect of their life right? and surely there's no one out there despite whatever massive crippling self doubt they might have about most areas in their life that isn't confident about something they do?

Perchance to Dream

I wish I could remember my dreams better. I tend to only really remember dreams when they happen in that groggy half awake half asleep period before you get up and even then the dream usually ends up fading pretty quick. I tend to envy people who remember vividly their dreams since more often than not the only sense I have that I have had a dream is that vague recollection of dreaming something. I envy them because remembering dreams seems cool. I hear people talking about their dreams, trying to figure out if they mean anything or talking about the cool things they did in their dreams and I want to experience that too. Unfortunately the only times I do remember dreaming can be separated into two categories:
1. I wake up. I know I was dreaming, I feel somehow excited about it and then I try and think about the dream and I get nothing! The dream has disappeared from my memory and all it has left is the ghost of an idea, taunting me about something cool that I'll never regain.
and
2. The rare times I do actually remember my dreams. Yes, sometimes they are interesting and possibly even exciting but most of the dreams I seem to remember end up being boring and mundane; like the other morning when I woke up and remembered vividly my dream, unfortunately my dream consisted of me getting up, getting ready for work and heading off to my job. There could be no duller dream and the most frustrating part was that since it was only a dream I had to go through my whole morning routine annoyed, since I felt I had already done all that stuff once that morning.
Stupid brain!

Sunday Blogs - The Importance of Scheduling

So, it always at these moments in time when I've realised I've started something and I begin to slightly regret it because I'm tired, lazy or simply questioning why I would bother doing anything like this, considering that I'm not interesting and I have nothing interesting to say. The fact that no one is reading this also plays a factor into my desire to just go "meh" I started this on a whim and no one will be any wiser if I just don't bother with it, like my attempt at starting my own movie review site which I lost interest in keeping up to date and who was I doing it for anyway. I don't have an audience, I have no one to please, so why bother.... That is the problem but as I said in my first post this, more than anything, is for me. It is to force me to break my habits of procrastination and exercise my writing skills. (and now I feel stupid for saying that I have writing skills) So I've decided that Sunday will be blog day regardless of how I'm feeling or whether or not I think I have something interesting to say. I've come to realise that scheduling and building up good regular habits is important to be successful in your endeavours and since it is not something I'm good at, it is something I need to practise more and apply more in my life and a Sunday blog seems like a good way to start. This will also force me to share the thoughts I have already noted down as interesting but have since hesitated to share with the world. I have a tendency to be pondering things or have a thought cross my mind and think "Oh that's interesting, maybe I should share this with the world" Then I go back to it and hesitate about sharing it because I wonder about its validity and merit and whether or not it will just make me out to be a pretentious prat with an under-functioning brain, if this is all I can think of. Anyway what I'm trying to say is that by giving myself a deadline of a Sunday blog I'm eventually going to have to start putting these thoughts out there since I can't possibly spend every week talking about how I'm going to start writing something at some stage...

It Begins!

Although I realise that I’m several years behind the trend with this whole blog lark, I felt it was time for me to actually start one. This unfortunately is indicative of my approach to life; I have a tendency to think over or rather over think doing something for several years, weighing up the merits but ultimately going for it when the moment has passed. Nevertheless, here it is: My Blog. The thing about it is I’m not really doing this for anybody but myself. I’m not sure I’m even going to tell anyone about this, so my relevancy as a blogger and when I started blogging doesn’t really matter. If you want to be a writer you need to write. That’s what I’ve been told anyway, so it’s time I put that into practise. So at its heart this blog is a way of forcing me to write, forcing me to think of short, hopefully interesting pieces that are potentially going to be read by actual people over the interwebs. Though in all honesty, since I'll probably be the blog's sole reader this will really be a an act of purist narcissism. On the off chance that anyone actually stumbles upon this blog, for your information, this will be a place where I will occasionally, hopefully regularly, talk about things that interest me, express whatever thoughts might cross my mind and even from time to time discuss my life. So, yes, this blog will be filled with my pretentious, pseudo-intellectual drivel but maybe you'll learn to love how I prattle on about nothing in particular in a vain attempt to justify my wistful self image of being in some shape or form a writer...