The Abyss

I find myself faced with the great unknown again and I really wasn't expecting it.

I thought I had finally reached a point where the road ahead of me was sure and clear and yet I turned an unexpected corner and find myself faced with a great nothingness.

There has always been aspects of my life that I never really felt I had much of a handle on or rather there were elements in my life that due to either a sense inability or a general lack of desire to progress them, I pushed them to the back, mostly out of sight. They of course niggled away but I had enough moving forward that I could convince myself that those particular issues had time since I was busy moving my life forward in other ways.

Then it all fell apart.

My best laid plans and goals laid strewn in front of me. The one aspect of my life I thought I had under control, the part of my life that I used to justify not thinking about the other background niggles, the part of my life I said was sorting itself out nicely and once that was done I'd think about the rest; well that all just went to hell.

So what do I do now?

It's been a couple of weeks, I don't think I could have written about it when it first happened. I hated myself a little for my reaction; I was somewhat distraught and felt like breaking down, I fought it because I felt a little pathetic for wanting to break down but even now thinking about it is hard and it hurts, even now as I realise how minor an issue it was/is. Sure I'm faced with a big unexpected blank slate in front of me, sure it's scary but it also means opportunity.

I think however that my concern is not solely based on my frustration at feeling like I'm facing starting all over again from scratch but is a multitude of things; my life not being where I expected it to be a this stage, the feeling of rejection (especially from what I thought was a sure thing), the fact that I loved that part of my life, it made me happy and now it's gone and on top of all this is the fact that this was the part of my life I thought I was on top of and it turns out I wasn't so what does that mean for all the other parts? The ones I was getting to later? Where am I with them so?

It is scary and frankly I don't know what I'm doing about anything any more but despite that I am trying to stay positive. "When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you" I can't let myself get lost in it. I need to be brave and move forward, take those steps out into the darkness and hope that a way lights up in front of me...

I just hope I can actually do it.